Below is the 12th submission to the Community Forum for Survivors submitted anonymously on 10/7/2018. We appreciate the trust this survivor, and all survivors, place in us by sharing their stories. Note: MCRCC does not allow comments on blog posts.

Survivor’s gender identity: Female

The survivor’s age at the time sexual violence was perpetrated against them: 14

The survivor's age now: 60

The survivor’s description of sexual violence perpetrated against them:

"A month before my 15th birthday, my mom was out of town and my stepdad let my sister sleep over at a friend’s. He would not allow me to go anywhere, nor was I allowed to invite a friend to stay over with me. After I had put on my nightgown and gotten into bed, he began hollering for me to go into his room and rub his back. Wearing a small towel around his waist, he demanded I straddle him and rub his back. I protested, yet did what he wanted. I was afraid he would become angry and spank me, if I didn’t comply. I was panic stricken when he began moaning and rolled over. He told me to straddle him in front, and rub his chest. He would not take NO for an answer. He tried to hold my hands down on him. Crying, I didn’t know how to do what he wanted and still avoid his erect penis, so I tried to squat a few inches above him. I could barely manage to reach his chest and continue to keep my crotch off of his. I begged him to let me go back to my room but he kept moaning and commanding me to sit on him. Once I ran out of strength to keep myself elevated and away from his penis, I ran away to my room and hid, while he yelled at me to come back. He was very angry. Terrified, I waited for him to come into my room and beat me or rape me, or kill me. That seems extreme, but nothing made sense anymore, and it’s how I felt at the time. I stayed awake all night, and he didn’t bother me again that night. I didn’t know what to do, or who to tell. My mom eventually pulled the story out of me a few weeks later. I didn’t realize that once I told her, the story was no longer mine! It became HER story! How dare he? She ranted about how she would divorce him. Against my wishes, she told his parents, and anyone else who would listen to how he had wronged her. She was blind with rage. She took me somewhere to report it, and insisted that he be arrested. I was embarrassed and ashamed, and way too shy to say the word penis to the middle aged man who questioned me. He finally got to the point: “Was there penetration?” Once I said no, there was nothing he would or could do; that was 1973–I hope it would be different now! Once my mother confronted my stepdad (I overheard her telling him he was a fool to think he wouldn’t have gotten an erection), I expected we would leave the house, or that he would move out. My hope was for a safe place without HIM. Instead, my mom told me that I was to blame. She said that because I was “becoming sexual” my stepdad decided to teach me a lesson and scare me, while at the same time he was “introducing me properly” to the adult sexual world. Yep, I learned about the world, alright. I learned about the lack of safety and trust in my family, and I learned that I was alone, with a gaping hole in my soul. Nobody was going to help me. To this day, my sister still calls me a liar and blames me for blemishing the name and memory of our “good dad.” It deeply saddens me to see the victim blaming going on in today’s environment. I fully understand why a person would not report their assault. The story may get stolen! "

 
If you or someone you care about has been sexually assaulted and is looking for resources or support, MCRCC provides a confidential helpline available 24/7 at (831) 375-4357. We support survivors today and always.